The other day I was out with my family buying Christmas presents when my 3 year old niece saw the toy she had been eye-balling for awhile now. Bouncing Baby Babbles. She ran to it screaming "BOUNCING BABY BABBLES. I WANT IT. I WANT IT." Of course what did my mother say? "Ask Santa."
HELL NO!
How come as a child we are fooled into believing all this made up crap about Easter Bunnies, Tooth Fairies, and Santa? You expect me to believe that a tiny little bunny runs around to EVERYONE'S house and hides eggs? Why would he do that? So I can find a rotting pink egg in my tree during the middle of July? Oops, forgot one. And this Tooth Fairy character just makes me upset. Why does this fool want my teeth? Is he some pervert who wants to lay around in a pile of children's molars? That's sick.
And then there is Santa Claus. I feel bad for the kids who try to be good all year (brush their teeth, eat their spinach, don't kick the dog) just to sit on some dude's lap, say "I want a bicycle", and then wake up on Christmas to a SHINY, BRAND NEW toothbrush.
You want me to believe that some guy CHOOSES to live in freezing cold snow in the North Pole with midgets who make toys 24/7? He only has to work one night a year and this consists of squeezing his fat ass down my chimney to eat all my cookies?! Screw that! I'll take my chances with the hand-knitted sweater, Grandma.
Not only is it hard to believe that he can fit down the chimney after eating an estimate of 10 million cookies a night, but what about making it to EVERYONE'S house in the matter of hours? "It's MAGIC, Amanda!!!!!!!111!!111!1!" Ok, I can dig that, but as a 7 year old precious child, don't fill my head with that shit! I already have to master cursive, bust out my times tables, and now I have to wrap my tiny brain around MAGIC?!
I did my fair share of letter writing to Santa in my day. I asked for a puppy, a kitty, a baby sister, a dinosaur. Never got any of it. I realized I had been made a fool of when I noticed "Santa" had the same hand writing as my dad. FOILED.
When I have children (God help them) I won't waste their time with the "Tooth Fairy" or "Santa". I'm going to say to them "If you don't make me want to throw myself in front of the Deuce Bus this year, maybe I will get you a toy." If they happen to be little shits that year, I won't bother with threatening coal for gifts. I will just make them file my taxes and then next year I will have angels.
