Girls Allowed to Play Me in My Life Movie

So one day I WILL have a movie about my life. It will be happy, sad, suspenseful, romantic, maybe even scary. I obviously need to be portrayed well so I got to thinking about who I would allow to play the lead character, Amanda Tindall.

Middle School / High School days:
Vanessa Marano


She's presh! Not only does she play an amazing character in the book-to-movie The Clique (yes it's a book about middle school girls but I adore it) but she actually plays it well. Color in some freckles, add some glasses and I think she would be adorbs.


College Days:
Hayden Panettiere


I know, I know. She's blonde haired and blue eyed. You know what I say? Hair dye and contacts. She is a pretty decent actress and we all know she makes mistakes (let's just pretend 'Bring It On: All or Nothing' never happened). She loves dolphins which is perfect because she would have to play someone who was half mermaid.

Late 20s to 30s:
Anne Hathaway


She is pretty much in every movie out today, and pretty much naked in them. She would need to cover up a bit to play me (we all know I would shower with clothes on if I could). Not only has she played a princess (which is perf for me) but she is about to play my favorite Batman villain of all time CATWOMAN!! I love her. Plus she gets to kiss Christian Bale.... Bitch.

40s / 50s:
Rachel Weisz


She is in one of my favorite movies alongside one of my favorite actors (The Mummy, Brendan Fraser). Yes she is from London but I'm sure she can kill an American accent. If not, then I will turn British for about 10 years of my life.


50s / 60s:
Bette Midler


Let's see...she is one of the best actresses of all time, she reminds me of my mother, AND she plays a mermaid in one of her sketches. DUH! She's perf. I need her. I could just see her wrestling my kids even if they are almost 30 years old.

70s and Beyond:
Maggie Smith


I love this woman. She is in some of my favorite movies of all time (ALL of the Harry Potter's, First Wives Club, The Secret Garden, Hook). Yeah she is British but, once again I can be British for the last few decades of my life. She is best friends with Judi Dench AND Ian McKellen (who I'm sure would play my best friend Jeffrey in my movies).

"It's true I don't tolerate fools, but then they don't tolerate me, so I am spiky. Maybe that's why I'm quite good at playing spiky elderly ladies." - Maggie Smith

IS THAT NOT SOMETHING I WOULD SAY?! (Everyone knows I incorporate the word 'fools' in my everyday language)

There it is...my movie. I love it already and I haven't even thought of a script...who needs a script with these fine bitches playing ME :)

Disney's Real Moral

I fucking love Disney. Anything Disney, I'm all about it. I love going to Disneyland, watching Disney movies, and I even adore the Disney Channel, but when it comes to Disney Princess movies, I can't get enough.

What little girl never owned a replica of Snow White or Belle's dress? If you wanted to be my friend growing up, you better have found something Princess to wear to my tea party or you were uninvited...bitch.
We all know the words to Ariel's Part of Your World and we all wished to have mice make our beds and clean our shit for us like that brat Cinderella, but we never did.

If you think about it, Disney gives all little girls false hope. I know there is shit out there saying 'Disney made me want to have a Prince Charming!!!!111!!1', which is totally true, but what else did Disney promise us?

1. Cinderella


Growing up a rich little shit until her dad gets remarried, Cinderella was lucky enough to be allowed to even live in her house when her stepmom took over. "WAAAAH I have to do chores! WAAAAH Laundry?! BOOO HOOO Feeding the pets?!"
Fuck you. I do that everyday. Too good for chores, Cindy? What a bitch. Even when her Fairy Godmother shows up to be a sweet lady and give her a chance, Cinderella once again complains..."ONLY UNTIL MIDNIGHT?!" When I was 16 I was fortunate enough to stay out until 10:00 on school nights, even then my mother sure as hell wouldn't let me go to a party in a smelly pumpkin.

Moral of the Story: Be a whiny bitch and Paula Deen will magically appear, make you a dress, and make all the bad people go away. Oh, and don't forget the dumbass Prince who obviously didn't care about Cinderella's face because any moron would at least remember the face of the bitch you were dancing with all night. Foot fetish.

2. Snow White


Snow White starts out like any teenager's life, hating your mother, longing for a boyfriend, and running away (I ran away once, I got to the edge of my neighborhood and realized I wasn't allowed to leave it, so I went home). She meets up with 7 midgets and realizes "Hey, this ain't so bad." All along her road to self-discovery, her stepmother can't stand how damn pretty Snow White is. Really? She is the 'fairest of them all' and she can't get a date? Please.
The queen decides to poison her stepdaughter with an apple. One day while doing her womanly duties and cleaning the kitchen, Snow White sees an old lady handing her an apple..."Hm...I don't know you and you look heinous but I will go ahead and eat this apple that you are so awkwardly trying to force on me." ARE YOU KIDDING?! Anyone with parents who loved them were told NOT to take shit from scary ass people!

Moral of the Story: Make sure you are born beautiful and then find 7 dudes to live with. If for some reason you are too stupid to find your prince, just lay down in the middle of the forest and he will come find you. Don't worry.

3. Sleeping Beauty


This bitch.
The King and Queen finally have a daughter! They decide to celebrate by having a huge rager. Uh-oh! Forgot to invite someone? BOOM In comes the evil fairy, Maleficent. Cursing the baby to prick her finger one day on a spinning wheel, the evil bitch leaves and the folks keep partyin'. Fools. Aurora grows up to be a beautiful princess (shock!) and one day she pricks her finger on a spindle!! "OH NO! WE HAD NO IDEA THAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN!!" Bitch falls asleep for one hundred years along with everything and everyone in the castle. "NO FEAR! HERE COMES PRINCE DUMBASS!"

Moral of the Story: Fall asleep for years and years. Hopefully a hot guy comes along to kiss you or you and your whole family are fucked. And HELLO, am I the only one who realizes that Aurora has been laying there for a HUNDRED years?! Stank breath!

4. Ariel


If you know me, you will know how close to my heart mermaids are. I mean I am one for crying out loud! First off, if I was the youngest of 7 girls I too would be so willing to move out and find a man. Ariel loves humans and when she sees Prince Eric on his boat for the first time, she knows she just HAS to be with him. When her dad finds her secret grotto creepily worshiping all things human, he tears that shit up yelling how horrible humans are and everything about them. So what does Ariel do? DUH she runs off to the witch to get her ass a pair of legs! All along that fool Sebastian is buzzing in her ear about how bad a mistake she is making. The only thing Ariel should be making is some lobster tail out of him, am I right?!
She gets her legs in exchange for her voice and meets Eric. Instead of maybe...writing down her name for him (and we all know she can, she signed Ursula's contract!) she tries to get him to guess...until it's too late! Ursula starts destroying shit until Prince Eric saves the day and stabs her with a boat.

Moral of the Story: Be a daddy's girl and get everything you want. Dad says no? Do it anyway, it worked out for Ariel. (Actually in the original Little Mermaid book, the mermaid ends up killing herself because the Prince dumps her and moves on...which ending is more realistic...?)

5. Beauty and the Beast


My FAVORITE Disney movie...
Belle is just a normal girl who lives with her dad in France. The coolest and hottest guy in town is totally in love with her and what would she rather do? Read. Despite Gaston's love for hunting and himself, I would say he is a pretty good catch. Belle rejects him causing Gaston to come up with an evil plan to make her love him. While her dad leaves to go show off one of his stupid inventions, he stumbles upon a scary castle. "Dee-di-di, let's go inside and get myself killed..." The Beast finds him and takes him to the tower. Belle's horse (really...) informs her of her fathers whereabouts and she hurries to the castle and asks to stay in her father's place. "Hell yes, a hot girl who wants to live here forever?!" -is what the Beast was really thinking.
After some time, Belle learns that the Beast is really a gentle giant. Meanwhile, Gaston is a dick and gets the whole town to come and kill the Beast! They have an all out brawl on the roof and Gaston dies, but not before he stabs Beast! Right before Belle throws herself off the roof because the only guy she loved has died, Beast comes to life as a total Ginger-Hottie!!

Moral of the Story: If you meet a total ugo, think twice. He might just turn into a Ginger-Hottie who is also a prince! Oh, and before you take a sip out of that cup, double check, it might be a little boy...begging for his life.


Don't get me wrong, Disney is totally awesome, but when will they start making more realistic princesses? I can see it now....a flat chested, freckle-faced, 5'2" princess. And I know just the girl to play her :)

Santa Claus is horse shit.

The other day I was out with my family buying Christmas presents when my 3 year old niece saw the toy she had been eye-balling for awhile now. Bouncing Baby Babbles. She ran to it screaming "BOUNCING BABY BABBLES. I WANT IT. I WANT IT." Of course what did my mother say? "Ask Santa."

HELL NO!

How come as a child we are fooled into believing all this made up crap about Easter Bunnies, Tooth Fairies, and Santa? You expect me to believe that a tiny little bunny runs around to EVERYONE'S house and hides eggs? Why would he do that? So I can find a rotting pink egg in my tree during the middle of July? Oops, forgot one. And this Tooth Fairy character just makes me upset. Why does this fool want my teeth? Is he some pervert who wants to lay around in a pile of children's molars? That's sick.

And then there is Santa Claus. I feel bad for the kids who try to be good all year (brush their teeth, eat their spinach, don't kick the dog) just to sit on some dude's lap, say "I want a bicycle", and then wake up on Christmas to a SHINY, BRAND NEW toothbrush.

You want me to believe that some guy CHOOSES to live in freezing cold snow in the North Pole with midgets who make toys 24/7? He only has to work one night a year and this consists of squeezing his fat ass down my chimney to eat all my cookies?! Screw that! I'll take my chances with the hand-knitted sweater, Grandma.

Not only is it hard to believe that he can fit down the chimney after eating an estimate of 10 million cookies a night, but what about making it to EVERYONE'S house in the matter of hours? "It's MAGIC, Amanda!!!!!!!111!!111!1!" Ok, I can dig that, but as a 7 year old precious child, don't fill my head with that shit! I already have to master cursive, bust out my times tables, and now I have to wrap my tiny brain around MAGIC?!

I did my fair share of letter writing to Santa in my day. I asked for a puppy, a kitty, a baby sister, a dinosaur. Never got any of it. I realized I had been made a fool of when I noticed "Santa" had the same hand writing as my dad. FOILED.

When I have children (God help them) I won't waste their time with the "Tooth Fairy" or "Santa". I'm going to say to them "If you don't make me want to throw myself in front of the Deuce Bus this year, maybe I will get you a toy." If they happen to be little shits that year, I won't bother with threatening coal for gifts. I will just make them file my taxes and then next year I will have angels.

BoysBoysBoys

Someone told me the other day that they thought for sure my recent ex boyfriend was "The One"...after I punched them in the colon I got to thinking about all the guys I would rather have than the ones that miserably failed.

So here it is, the list of my future boyfriends.

Jesse McCartney

Those of us that watched Summerland when we were 14 tuned in only to see this fool shirtless and running around on the beach. The show itself was horrible but who cares when Jesse is on screen being a horrible actor but looking so good while doing it. And who could forget Dream Street?! The boy band made Jesse their front man. He is what Justin Bieber wishes he was.

Prince Eric

That's right. Prince Eric from The Little Mermaid. He was the first boy I ever loved and since I am half mermaid that means he would love me too! And he is a prince so that means he is rich :)

Jim Sturgess

If you haven't seen the movie Across the Universe, watch it NOW! He sings Beatles songs!! UGH I love it! It doesn't get much better than Jim and The Beatles. Wait, yes it does...HE IS BRITISH! He was so cute in 21 even when he was all bloody and beat up.

Christian Bale

He stole my heart in Little Women and Newsies, then made me love him even more in American Psycho. And then as if I thought he was already the best there is....he is BATMAN! YES! If you don't love him, you have no soul.

Jay Baruchel

My friend Alex always says I like "skinny white guys" and I guess he is right. I loved this kid in Knocked Up and when I saw She Is Out Of My League I confirmed I had a "thing" for geeky guys (which I knew all along, but for this guy I will actually admit it).

John Krasinski

The Office is one of my favorite shows and I love Jim! John Krasinski is so amazing and I love him in License to Wed. Even though he just recently got married, I know he is thinking about me :)

Rupert Grint

The love of my life. My NUMBER ONE. When I first read Harry Potter I adored it. Ron was my favorite character and when they announced that a movie was being made I died. After watching the movie I fell in love with Rupert Grint. I blow a kiss to my cardboard cutout every morning (don't judge me). Just you wait, we will be married one day.


There it is, my list. I'm sure I can think of so many more, but this is enough for now.

I'm gonna make like a baby and leave.

Miley For President

Ok, now I'm mad.

I am SO SICK of hearing people bad mouth Miley Cyrus.
"she's a slut"
"she will be pregnant next"
"she is a redneck"
"she is supposed to be a role model for young girls"

The bitch is 17 years old. Think about what you did when you were 17 and in high school! (Unless Amanda Walker is reading this, she was a saint. Love you!) She is not on the show 16 & Pregnant, she is not getting wasted at clubs. She is precious.

What is the worst thing you can say about her? "She took pictures of herself in her bra." OH MY GOD STOP THE WORLD, A GIRL TOOK A PICTURE OF HERSELF IN A BRA!!!! Really guys? Look at that fool Vanessa Hudgens, she took NUDE pictures of herself and what happened? NOTHING! Because no one cares about that bitch. But if Miley has her mosquito bite boobs in her lime green bra and snaps her camera phone and it leaks, the world explodes.

"But Amanda!! She is a role model for young girls everywhere!!" So was Britney, so was Christina. Until one shaved her head and the other went Dirrrrty. Everyone has a little hiccup.

She is getting so much shit for her music video of her latest single Can't Be Tamed. People say it is too slutty and she is barely wearing any clothes. ARE YOU NUTS?! What is she doing that is slutty? Absolutely nothing! Seriously, not one thing. She is not grinding on anyone, she is not kissing anyone, she is not humping the air. She is dancing. And her outfit? I mean, come on. It's a one piece equivalent to a bathing suit! If you've got the body, go for it, and SHE DOES!

Miley can do no wrong. Her Vanity Fair photo shoot? She was NOT wearing a bed sheet, it was a dress that was pulled down to expose more of her back. BIG FUCKING DEAL! It's more than 13 year olds wear today! And look how much of a controversy that was. Well good for her, I bet she made millions off of that one picture.

"What about Hannah Montana? Kids still watch it!" Yes, and she is quitting the show because she is GROWING UP! OMG KIDS GROW UP?! Fools, thanks for ruining Disney for me, now what the hell am I gonna watch? Suite Life On Deck? Wizards of Waverly Place?
Ok, I love those shows too.

Not only did her first movie (Hannah Montana & Miley Cyrus: Best of Both Worlds Concert) gross over $71 million, but her second movie (Hannah Montana: The Movie) brought home over $151 million! Oh, and The Last Song brought her over $81 million. And those are just her movies.... (I am editing this and saying those numbers are pretty DAMN good for movies with NO CGI, NO huge stars, and NO special effects at all)

Her first album (Hannah Montana) sold over 4 million copies in the U.S. ALONE! Album number two (Hannah Montana 2: Meet Miley Cyrus) sold over 3 million copies in America alone. Album 3 (Breakout) went Platinum. Album 4 (The Time of Our Lives EP) also went Platinum. And last but certainly not least her latest album (Can't Be Tamed) which literally was released 3 days ago is already #8 on the Billboard Top 100.

SERIOUSLY!

Bitch is rollin' in dough!

And think about all the concerts, merchandise, DVDs, magazines, books, EVERYTHING ELSE that has her face or name on it. She is everywhere and markets herself amazingly.

She makes people talk, which makes her money, which makes her the coolest bitch around.


Ya'll can laugh, but Miley gets the last one.

Best careers on the planet.

Ok so...I have been thinking a lot of what I want to be when I grow up and I just can't decide. When I was little I wanted to be the craziest shit and now that I think about it, those would have been the best careers ever. So here is the list that I have come up with. If you are lucky enough to have one of these jobs...I think you are full of shit.



1. Paleontologist-

When I was 5 years old and I was in Kindergarten, my teacher asked all of the kids what they wanted to be when they grew up. I remember some little shit saying "astronaut" and another little shit saying "magician". Really......you want to be a magician? You want to make a rodent come out of your hat and saw ladies in half? Go to therapy.
And don't get me started on the astronaut. The average time it takes for someone who already has the criteria for space travel is 21 years (look it up). And that is AFTER you get a bachelor's degree in Math, Biology, and Engineering. You might as well waste your life being a person in the Space Camp commercials since that is how close you will ever get to being in Outer Space.
Anyway....when my teacher finally got to me I would answer, "Paleontologist, because I like dinosaurs and I want to dig up their bones." She would give me the weirdest look because I didn't say "The President" or something ridiculous like that. Seriously...that's what I wanted to be. I loved everything about dinos (I still do) and I knew pretty much everything about them. And no, I didn't learn it all from watching Jurassic Park, which is still a cool movie, but VERY unrealistic.



2. Vampire Hunter-
For those of you who laughed while reading that, go fuck yourself. How COOL would it be to hunt the living dead for a job?
"Hi, my name is Amanda. I like dancing and I also put stakes in the heart of blood suckers." COME ON!
Not only were some of the coolest people in history vampire hunters (Abraham Lincoln, Van Helsing, Buffy, The other Van Helsing, Blade), but also you would save mankind from the most horrible creature to ever walk the face of the Earth (besides Lord Voldemort).




3. Robert Norman Ross-
I know this isn't a job, it's a person. But, I know you all know who this guy is. He created the "Happy Trees" and was the guy we all watched on channel 10 after Sesame Street on the show "The Joy of Painting". You KNOW he was on drugs but he created the most BEAUTIFUL works of art in literally minutes and explained in the simplest of ways how to do so.

This guy.
He would make me so happy (and at the age of 10 only the ice cream man and the Scholastic Book Fair made me happy).



4. Batman-
Ok...those of you who know me, I'm sure you knew this one was coming. Batman (in my opinion) is one of the greatest people of all time. If ANYONE had a billion dollars, what would you do with it? Donate it? Build a school? Give it to loved ones? HELL NO! Become a masked vigilante and fight crime on the streets of your hometown, DUH!

I could argue all damn day about why Batman is the greatest superhero of all time, but that will come in a different post. Not only does he have unlimited hand-to-hand combat knowledge, the proper funds, and an unbiased butler, but he has morals. That's right, Batman has never KILLED anyone. He believes in justice, so he brings his villains to jail or an asylum. (And don't come to me with the "He killed Robin" bullshit. NO. If you know Batman, then you know how many Robins there really were. The Joker killed the second Robin. End of story.).
I would give anything to be Batman (and not the Carrie Kelley version, my own version. Oh, and not Batgirl either, she was a lesbian.).



5. Famous person-
Look at the cover of magazines and you will see someone who has probably done almost nothing to become famous (Heidi Montag, Paris Hilton, Angelina Jolie, Matthew McConaughey). If you could be one of those people, wouldn't you?!
If I could be on a reality TV show, or have a sex tape, or just be gorgeous and be horrible at acting and be one of the most famous people in the world, you bet I would be (and if you wouldn't, you are just dumb). Seriously, some people that are famous today have literally done NOTHING!! Look at Justin Bieber, he put up some videos of himself singing on YouTube and he became an overnight celebrity. What about Paris Hilton? Don't get me wrong, I love that bitch, but what is she famous for? Besides being the heiress to a chain of hotels, and eating a hamburger? A sex tape...a video of her in the dark doing the nasty with some dude. If that's all it took to make millions, everyone and their brother would be doing it. Don't even lie, you would too.




There it is. Some of the best careers in the world. You know at some point in your life you wanted to be one of these.

Team Harry

Let's talk Twilight.

I just want to start off by saying I HATE TWILIGHT!

Seriously....who wants to read something about a sparkly guy who loves an idiot girl? OH WAIT! Let's not forget the hairy kid that jumps around the girl too.
Now, don't get me wrong. Vampires and werewolves.....I don't hate 'em. In fact, some might say I like them a lot. But when they are put through the misery of a silly love triangle that ends in a half vampire/half human baby that "belongs" to the werewolf to be his future lover.....I draw the line.

Maybe I should have said SPOILER ALERT before I wrote that last little tidbit. Sorry.
But then if I just spoiled the end of the whole series for you then you aren't really a fan. Fans read the books first.

Not only are the books horribly written but the movies suck too. Kristen Stewart is just goofy, Robert Pattinson will always be Cedric Diggory to me, and every time I see Taylor Lautner, I see Sharkboy.

If you ask me (which you didn't, but I will tell you anyway) there is only one person who could beat out Eddy and Jake in a fight.

Harry Potter.

Before you laugh and point at me let me explain. If you know me, you know how much I love Harry Potter. In my eyes J.K. Rowling can do no wrong (except when it came to pairing my beloved Ron Weasley and that whore Hermione together, but I will forgive you, J.). If Edward and Jacob were rolling around on the ground fighting each other (which is pretty much what they do together), Harry would step in, Avada Kedavra their asses and it would be done. Robert Pattinson already knows a thing or two about that killing spell, doesn't he?
Hahaha, that's right! HE DIED FROM IT!

Not only did J.K. start the HP series on a damn napkin while she was on a train, but she INVENTED a whole entire world filled with places, creatures, magic spells, and people that she MADE UP.

SHE MADE THAT SHIT UP!
Brilliant.

It has everything I could ever want out of a book. Except when Dobby died.
I cried when Sirius died. I cried when Dumbledore died. I cried when Hedwig died, Fred died, Remus died, HELL I even shed a little tear when Crabbe died, but I SOBBED when Dobby died. Why? He was PRESH. He gave his own life to protect Harry and Harry burried him without using any magic. Shut up, it was sweet.

God I love Harry Potter.

It's the greatest thing since sliced bread. It's the bee's knees. The cat's pajamas.

And it houses the love of my life, Ronald Bilius Weasley. (Yes, the ginger.) Don't ask why I love him. Why does the sun rise? Why do birds chirp? Because I love Ron.

Ok, so I think (and hope) I made my point. I could write forever about Harry Potter but I think I will go watch Batman (my second love, and probably a post coming soon).

Here is an HP video that I love. Watch it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tx1XIm6q4r4