Santa Claus is horse shit.

The other day I was out with my family buying Christmas presents when my 3 year old niece saw the toy she had been eye-balling for awhile now. Bouncing Baby Babbles. She ran to it screaming "BOUNCING BABY BABBLES. I WANT IT. I WANT IT." Of course what did my mother say? "Ask Santa."

HELL NO!

How come as a child we are fooled into believing all this made up crap about Easter Bunnies, Tooth Fairies, and Santa? You expect me to believe that a tiny little bunny runs around to EVERYONE'S house and hides eggs? Why would he do that? So I can find a rotting pink egg in my tree during the middle of July? Oops, forgot one. And this Tooth Fairy character just makes me upset. Why does this fool want my teeth? Is he some pervert who wants to lay around in a pile of children's molars? That's sick.

And then there is Santa Claus. I feel bad for the kids who try to be good all year (brush their teeth, eat their spinach, don't kick the dog) just to sit on some dude's lap, say "I want a bicycle", and then wake up on Christmas to a SHINY, BRAND NEW toothbrush.

You want me to believe that some guy CHOOSES to live in freezing cold snow in the North Pole with midgets who make toys 24/7? He only has to work one night a year and this consists of squeezing his fat ass down my chimney to eat all my cookies?! Screw that! I'll take my chances with the hand-knitted sweater, Grandma.

Not only is it hard to believe that he can fit down the chimney after eating an estimate of 10 million cookies a night, but what about making it to EVERYONE'S house in the matter of hours? "It's MAGIC, Amanda!!!!!!!111!!111!1!" Ok, I can dig that, but as a 7 year old precious child, don't fill my head with that shit! I already have to master cursive, bust out my times tables, and now I have to wrap my tiny brain around MAGIC?!

I did my fair share of letter writing to Santa in my day. I asked for a puppy, a kitty, a baby sister, a dinosaur. Never got any of it. I realized I had been made a fool of when I noticed "Santa" had the same hand writing as my dad. FOILED.

When I have children (God help them) I won't waste their time with the "Tooth Fairy" or "Santa". I'm going to say to them "If you don't make me want to throw myself in front of the Deuce Bus this year, maybe I will get you a toy." If they happen to be little shits that year, I won't bother with threatening coal for gifts. I will just make them file my taxes and then next year I will have angels.

BoysBoysBoys

Someone told me the other day that they thought for sure my recent ex boyfriend was "The One"...after I punched them in the colon I got to thinking about all the guys I would rather have than the ones that miserably failed.

So here it is, the list of my future boyfriends.

Jesse McCartney

Those of us that watched Summerland when we were 14 tuned in only to see this fool shirtless and running around on the beach. The show itself was horrible but who cares when Jesse is on screen being a horrible actor but looking so good while doing it. And who could forget Dream Street?! The boy band made Jesse their front man. He is what Justin Bieber wishes he was.

Prince Eric

That's right. Prince Eric from The Little Mermaid. He was the first boy I ever loved and since I am half mermaid that means he would love me too! And he is a prince so that means he is rich :)

Jim Sturgess

If you haven't seen the movie Across the Universe, watch it NOW! He sings Beatles songs!! UGH I love it! It doesn't get much better than Jim and The Beatles. Wait, yes it does...HE IS BRITISH! He was so cute in 21 even when he was all bloody and beat up.

Christian Bale

He stole my heart in Little Women and Newsies, then made me love him even more in American Psycho. And then as if I thought he was already the best there is....he is BATMAN! YES! If you don't love him, you have no soul.

Jay Baruchel

My friend Alex always says I like "skinny white guys" and I guess he is right. I loved this kid in Knocked Up and when I saw She Is Out Of My League I confirmed I had a "thing" for geeky guys (which I knew all along, but for this guy I will actually admit it).

John Krasinski

The Office is one of my favorite shows and I love Jim! John Krasinski is so amazing and I love him in License to Wed. Even though he just recently got married, I know he is thinking about me :)

Rupert Grint

The love of my life. My NUMBER ONE. When I first read Harry Potter I adored it. Ron was my favorite character and when they announced that a movie was being made I died. After watching the movie I fell in love with Rupert Grint. I blow a kiss to my cardboard cutout every morning (don't judge me). Just you wait, we will be married one day.


There it is, my list. I'm sure I can think of so many more, but this is enough for now.

I'm gonna make like a baby and leave.

Miley For President

Ok, now I'm mad.

I am SO SICK of hearing people bad mouth Miley Cyrus.
"she's a slut"
"she will be pregnant next"
"she is a redneck"
"she is supposed to be a role model for young girls"

The bitch is 17 years old. Think about what you did when you were 17 and in high school! (Unless Amanda Walker is reading this, she was a saint. Love you!) She is not on the show 16 & Pregnant, she is not getting wasted at clubs. She is precious.

What is the worst thing you can say about her? "She took pictures of herself in her bra." OH MY GOD STOP THE WORLD, A GIRL TOOK A PICTURE OF HERSELF IN A BRA!!!! Really guys? Look at that fool Vanessa Hudgens, she took NUDE pictures of herself and what happened? NOTHING! Because no one cares about that bitch. But if Miley has her mosquito bite boobs in her lime green bra and snaps her camera phone and it leaks, the world explodes.

"But Amanda!! She is a role model for young girls everywhere!!" So was Britney, so was Christina. Until one shaved her head and the other went Dirrrrty. Everyone has a little hiccup.

She is getting so much shit for her music video of her latest single Can't Be Tamed. People say it is too slutty and she is barely wearing any clothes. ARE YOU NUTS?! What is she doing that is slutty? Absolutely nothing! Seriously, not one thing. She is not grinding on anyone, she is not kissing anyone, she is not humping the air. She is dancing. And her outfit? I mean, come on. It's a one piece equivalent to a bathing suit! If you've got the body, go for it, and SHE DOES!

Miley can do no wrong. Her Vanity Fair photo shoot? She was NOT wearing a bed sheet, it was a dress that was pulled down to expose more of her back. BIG FUCKING DEAL! It's more than 13 year olds wear today! And look how much of a controversy that was. Well good for her, I bet she made millions off of that one picture.

"What about Hannah Montana? Kids still watch it!" Yes, and she is quitting the show because she is GROWING UP! OMG KIDS GROW UP?! Fools, thanks for ruining Disney for me, now what the hell am I gonna watch? Suite Life On Deck? Wizards of Waverly Place?
Ok, I love those shows too.

Not only did her first movie (Hannah Montana & Miley Cyrus: Best of Both Worlds Concert) gross over $71 million, but her second movie (Hannah Montana: The Movie) brought home over $151 million! Oh, and The Last Song brought her over $81 million. And those are just her movies.... (I am editing this and saying those numbers are pretty DAMN good for movies with NO CGI, NO huge stars, and NO special effects at all)

Her first album (Hannah Montana) sold over 4 million copies in the U.S. ALONE! Album number two (Hannah Montana 2: Meet Miley Cyrus) sold over 3 million copies in America alone. Album 3 (Breakout) went Platinum. Album 4 (The Time of Our Lives EP) also went Platinum. And last but certainly not least her latest album (Can't Be Tamed) which literally was released 3 days ago is already #8 on the Billboard Top 100.

SERIOUSLY!

Bitch is rollin' in dough!

And think about all the concerts, merchandise, DVDs, magazines, books, EVERYTHING ELSE that has her face or name on it. She is everywhere and markets herself amazingly.

She makes people talk, which makes her money, which makes her the coolest bitch around.


Ya'll can laugh, but Miley gets the last one.

Best careers on the planet.

Ok so...I have been thinking a lot of what I want to be when I grow up and I just can't decide. When I was little I wanted to be the craziest shit and now that I think about it, those would have been the best careers ever. So here is the list that I have come up with. If you are lucky enough to have one of these jobs...I think you are full of shit.



1. Paleontologist-

When I was 5 years old and I was in Kindergarten, my teacher asked all of the kids what they wanted to be when they grew up. I remember some little shit saying "astronaut" and another little shit saying "magician". Really......you want to be a magician? You want to make a rodent come out of your hat and saw ladies in half? Go to therapy.
And don't get me started on the astronaut. The average time it takes for someone who already has the criteria for space travel is 21 years (look it up). And that is AFTER you get a bachelor's degree in Math, Biology, and Engineering. You might as well waste your life being a person in the Space Camp commercials since that is how close you will ever get to being in Outer Space.
Anyway....when my teacher finally got to me I would answer, "Paleontologist, because I like dinosaurs and I want to dig up their bones." She would give me the weirdest look because I didn't say "The President" or something ridiculous like that. Seriously...that's what I wanted to be. I loved everything about dinos (I still do) and I knew pretty much everything about them. And no, I didn't learn it all from watching Jurassic Park, which is still a cool movie, but VERY unrealistic.



2. Vampire Hunter-
For those of you who laughed while reading that, go fuck yourself. How COOL would it be to hunt the living dead for a job?
"Hi, my name is Amanda. I like dancing and I also put stakes in the heart of blood suckers." COME ON!
Not only were some of the coolest people in history vampire hunters (Abraham Lincoln, Van Helsing, Buffy, The other Van Helsing, Blade), but also you would save mankind from the most horrible creature to ever walk the face of the Earth (besides Lord Voldemort).




3. Robert Norman Ross-
I know this isn't a job, it's a person. But, I know you all know who this guy is. He created the "Happy Trees" and was the guy we all watched on channel 10 after Sesame Street on the show "The Joy of Painting". You KNOW he was on drugs but he created the most BEAUTIFUL works of art in literally minutes and explained in the simplest of ways how to do so.

This guy.
He would make me so happy (and at the age of 10 only the ice cream man and the Scholastic Book Fair made me happy).



4. Batman-
Ok...those of you who know me, I'm sure you knew this one was coming. Batman (in my opinion) is one of the greatest people of all time. If ANYONE had a billion dollars, what would you do with it? Donate it? Build a school? Give it to loved ones? HELL NO! Become a masked vigilante and fight crime on the streets of your hometown, DUH!

I could argue all damn day about why Batman is the greatest superhero of all time, but that will come in a different post. Not only does he have unlimited hand-to-hand combat knowledge, the proper funds, and an unbiased butler, but he has morals. That's right, Batman has never KILLED anyone. He believes in justice, so he brings his villains to jail or an asylum. (And don't come to me with the "He killed Robin" bullshit. NO. If you know Batman, then you know how many Robins there really were. The Joker killed the second Robin. End of story.).
I would give anything to be Batman (and not the Carrie Kelley version, my own version. Oh, and not Batgirl either, she was a lesbian.).



5. Famous person-
Look at the cover of magazines and you will see someone who has probably done almost nothing to become famous (Heidi Montag, Paris Hilton, Angelina Jolie, Matthew McConaughey). If you could be one of those people, wouldn't you?!
If I could be on a reality TV show, or have a sex tape, or just be gorgeous and be horrible at acting and be one of the most famous people in the world, you bet I would be (and if you wouldn't, you are just dumb). Seriously, some people that are famous today have literally done NOTHING!! Look at Justin Bieber, he put up some videos of himself singing on YouTube and he became an overnight celebrity. What about Paris Hilton? Don't get me wrong, I love that bitch, but what is she famous for? Besides being the heiress to a chain of hotels, and eating a hamburger? A sex tape...a video of her in the dark doing the nasty with some dude. If that's all it took to make millions, everyone and their brother would be doing it. Don't even lie, you would too.




There it is. Some of the best careers in the world. You know at some point in your life you wanted to be one of these.

Team Harry

Let's talk Twilight.

I just want to start off by saying I HATE TWILIGHT!

Seriously....who wants to read something about a sparkly guy who loves an idiot girl? OH WAIT! Let's not forget the hairy kid that jumps around the girl too.
Now, don't get me wrong. Vampires and werewolves.....I don't hate 'em. In fact, some might say I like them a lot. But when they are put through the misery of a silly love triangle that ends in a half vampire/half human baby that "belongs" to the werewolf to be his future lover.....I draw the line.

Maybe I should have said SPOILER ALERT before I wrote that last little tidbit. Sorry.
But then if I just spoiled the end of the whole series for you then you aren't really a fan. Fans read the books first.

Not only are the books horribly written but the movies suck too. Kristen Stewart is just goofy, Robert Pattinson will always be Cedric Diggory to me, and every time I see Taylor Lautner, I see Sharkboy.

If you ask me (which you didn't, but I will tell you anyway) there is only one person who could beat out Eddy and Jake in a fight.

Harry Potter.

Before you laugh and point at me let me explain. If you know me, you know how much I love Harry Potter. In my eyes J.K. Rowling can do no wrong (except when it came to pairing my beloved Ron Weasley and that whore Hermione together, but I will forgive you, J.). If Edward and Jacob were rolling around on the ground fighting each other (which is pretty much what they do together), Harry would step in, Avada Kedavra their asses and it would be done. Robert Pattinson already knows a thing or two about that killing spell, doesn't he?
Hahaha, that's right! HE DIED FROM IT!

Not only did J.K. start the HP series on a damn napkin while she was on a train, but she INVENTED a whole entire world filled with places, creatures, magic spells, and people that she MADE UP.

SHE MADE THAT SHIT UP!
Brilliant.

It has everything I could ever want out of a book. Except when Dobby died.
I cried when Sirius died. I cried when Dumbledore died. I cried when Hedwig died, Fred died, Remus died, HELL I even shed a little tear when Crabbe died, but I SOBBED when Dobby died. Why? He was PRESH. He gave his own life to protect Harry and Harry burried him without using any magic. Shut up, it was sweet.

God I love Harry Potter.

It's the greatest thing since sliced bread. It's the bee's knees. The cat's pajamas.

And it houses the love of my life, Ronald Bilius Weasley. (Yes, the ginger.) Don't ask why I love him. Why does the sun rise? Why do birds chirp? Because I love Ron.

Ok, so I think (and hope) I made my point. I could write forever about Harry Potter but I think I will go watch Batman (my second love, and probably a post coming soon).

Here is an HP video that I love. Watch it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tx1XIm6q4r4

WEAK! (The Art of Garage Saling)

So today my mom and I went Garage Saling (a term my mom coined). We got up at 8 AM and set sail (haha get it, SAIL, garage SALE). My older sister usually comes but she decided to sleep in today.
Now before I go on any further I must tell you that my mother LOVES garage sales. She can find the dumbest shit and fix it up (well my dad usually fixes it) and sell it in her antique store for about 10 times what she originally paid. She is a genius.

So, here we are, a great Mother/Daughter team rummaging through other people's crap. We found a few gems here and there and even some furniture pieces for our new vacation home in the GREAT Ely, Nevada (don't ask, I guess it's a "cute little town").

What usually happens when my mom, sister, and I go out for these sales is we slowly drive by and look at everything they have to offer and if we spot something good we pull over. But if all they have are some old shoes and a handful of those stuffed animals that you win at carnivals then my sister rolls down the window and yells "WEAK!" and then we speed away.

Horrible? Probably. Hilarious? Definitely.

Anyway, my mom and I pulled into an Estate Sale. That is when a WHOLE HOUSE is just opened up and it's like a free-for-all. You can buy anything from some dishes to a used toothbrush (I'm not joking about the used toothbrush, I saw one today with a price tag on it for 25 cents).

At the end of the day we drove home with everything piled into the bed of my truck and my lucky dad got to unload it :)

The Best Page In The Universe

So, there is a website out there that is so funny, it would even make Belinda laugh. (Ok, only one person in the WHOLE world would get that joke. Cassie, you better have just LOL'd)

It has been around for a LOOOOOONG time and I go back and read it's older posts all the damn time.

It has classics like 'I am better than your kids' and 'Five things that sucked about Lord of the Rings' . But don't just take my word for it! Go read it. If you hate everything in the world but yourself, this website is for you. Even if you don't hate anything, just take a look at it, I promise you it will bring a smile to your face. If it doesn't then you probably like things like Law Radio (this is a real thing, my dumb ex-boyfriend made me listen).

http://maddox.xmission.com/ (LOOK AT IT!!!!!!)

First.

Today I started a blog. Why? I need something to do. Hopefully I actually keep this shit going and don't use it one time. (Oh and P.S. I curse, get over it.)

Whatever this blog thing is, I need it today. Today is the day my boyfriend broke up with me (asshole). I don't really need to go on from there, I just needed to say it. Everyone has been there before and if you haven't, you're one lucky bitch. A broken heart is possibly the worst ailment you can have. Not only is it emotionally painful but I like to think it's physically painful also.
Ok, your heart doesn't literally break, but those of us who have had the luxury of owning a broken heart will all agree that it hurts. It's a good thing I am so close with my family or I would probably be curled up in my bed listening to sad Beatles songs (which I will probably do later anyway). My family always support me with this kind of shit whether it's saying "He doesn't know what he's missing!" or if they just give me the hug I need.

Alright, I don't want to sound lame anymore with all this "Boohoo, I'm sad, listen to me cry" bullshit so I am going to change the subject.

I FINALLY found the movie I have been looking for over the span of about....10 years. No joke. It scared the shit out of me as a kid and all I could remember about it was that it had tiny little demons that came out of the ground and a Barbie doll was used as a weapon (sounds epic, huh?) HELL YEAH!
After many Google and YouTube searches I found out that the movie that once made me literally crap my pants as a child is called...........here it is......The Gate.
WTF?!?! The Gate? That is the name of the movie? Deciding not to give up, I checked my local Fry's Electronics store and there it was....the last copy of THE GATE on DVD! Did I buy it?

HELL YEAH I BOUGHT IT. I came home and put the DVD in my TV and pressed play. Not only was I ecstatic to be watching this movie after a decade of hopelessness, but I was happy just to witness the HORRIBLE 1980s claymation this movie had to offer. Seriously, nothing is better than old ass movies that tried their damnedest to be the scariest shit on the block. For example, Clash of the Titans (don't even ask, I didn't see the new one. I figured nothing could take the place of the original).

Anyway, the movie was horrible.

When it was over I laughed to myself that I thought it was scary but HEY, when you are 8 years old and a KID GETS STABBED IN THE EYE WITH BARBIE LEGS, it's the most horrifying shit show you have ever witnessed.

If you haven't seen the movie I suggest you watch it. Your life will change. And if it doesn't....then I guess you are shit out of luck.

Here it is, the original trailer for The Gate. I swear, it's scarier than it looks. And that creepy old man voice? Isn't anywhere in the movie, if you were wondering.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZOX6-Rw5PWc